For several months, I have been attempting to write an article regarding the rampant division in this country and within the church. Every attempt to write said article has just fallen apart. My pieces were long, rambling, disorganized messes with no real point. They did not reflect the heart of God, a heart of love. And I have asked why I can’t get this message to come together. In place of an answer was a pervasive silence. It was a silence not only on this topic, but I felt as if I could not hear any other ideas to write about. Even if I did, they faded away like they had never existed. It wasn’t until this past weekend that I had a breakthrough. It was during a service at church that I received my answer.
The Spirit was moving so thick that you could not help but feel the Lord’s presence. Inside this warm embrace of the Father, I could hear Him. What I heard in my heart was a question about my motivation – where has my heart been? In other words, was writing this article a word from God that I was supposed to share, or was there a more selfish motivation behind it? Was this about giving God glory or myself? As I contemplated the question, I could come to only one conclusion: the issue was not the topic per se. The problem was and is me and my motivation - my heart being in the wrong place. I have been telling myself that God’s people need to hear this word about division, especially regarding issues of a political nature or following leaders spreading destructive and hateful messages. And this is indeed a message that needs to be expounded upon. However, this is not my calling, my purpose. In His presence, I understood that the sound of silence was the sound of a heart growing bitter.
In Matthew 6:14-15 Yeshua (Jesus) tells us, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Being told that we cannot be forgiven if we refuse to forgive others should motivate us to forgive; however, sometimes, it isn’t that simple. Sometimes you want to forgive, or intellectually, you have forgiven, but your heart has not forgiven. It is as if you must show the person who said hurtful things about you that they were wrong; you are in no way the person they describe. The motivation to be right or to separate yourself from hurtful words can become all-consuming. You live in the desert of pain while the promised land is within sight. I found myself in that place this year. I allowed the hurt to set up camp in my heart. That pain was steering the ship, ushering me toward a path of being motivated by the opinion of man rather than God.
In June, I was at a conference and exchanged words with someone close to me, and the other person shared some hurtful things. These things were primarily related to differences of opinion on some social and political issues and how these things interact with faith, God’s word, and how “the church” as an institution has been approaching certain things. During the conversation, I made it clear that I do not align with or condone the words or actions of the more extreme right-wing elements of the church, nor was it my belief that this is the overwhelming stance of the majority of believers but rather the voices of a very loud vocal few. I was informed that if I did not want myself or other believers to be perceived as such horrible people, I needed to use my blog to state that I did not, nor do the majority of believers, hold these extreme views. I walked away from this encounter so wounded and determined to separate myself from the hateful voices that seemed to have become the face of “the church” for this person and, I assume, many others. I was going to write the perfect, scathing article to scold those holding extreme positions that taint the name of Christ and cause the body of believers to be seen as hateful and as having no message of value. I would prove I was not “one of them ”; that would surely make things better. That would fix the hurt because I would confirm that this person was wrong about me and, of course - glorify God. I failed to see some crucial truths, not in any particular order:
Glorifying God can never be a secondary purpose.
Trying to prove that you were right and the other person was wrong doesn’t fix the pain; it magnifies it and gives the pain power.
Allowing pain to take root in the heart causes its fertile ground to become bitter.
Bitterness of heart is a stumbling block in our relationship with God.
The opinion of men is irrelevant. It is the opinion of God that matters, for it is He who holds the key to life and death of not only the body but the soul (Mathew 10:28)
I could not succeed in writing the message that I was trying to convey because it was not of God. At least not a statement that God gave to me to share. It was of man, particularly me, drowning in the pool of my bitter heart. I had allowed my heart to be pulled away from the purpose that God had set out for me. I lost my vision. I was trying to be an eye when I am a finger, “If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?” 1 Corinthians 12:17 (ESV).I had allowed my heart to become bitter, so anxious to prove what I am not that I lost sight of talking about whose I am. I lost sight of serving where I was called to serve. I was stuck in the quicksand of bitterness and unforgiveness. The more I tried to pull myself out, the deeper I sank. I had sunk to the point that my ears were clogged with the muck.
It wasn’t until I let God have my hurt and chose to forgive that I could see that I had strayed from His path. I had allowed Him to cleanse my heart with His pure, living water that washed away the bitter waters surrounding my heart. It was like a release, a reawakening to purpose. Believers are not called to seek power, strength, wealth, or glory; instead, we are called to meekness, humility, to hunger and thirst for the Word of God (Matthew 5:3-10). None of us were called to glory but service and obedience, even when doing so leads us to a path of persecution, whether from within or outside the church. Our calling is to live life in the presence of God, giving all to Him and allowing His light to shine through us. I was called to share His light through a ministry to people with disabilities and to advocate for us to be seen as the children of God just as we are, just as He created us to be, not to make excuses for or defend ideologies on either side of the political aisle that do not align with the Word of God just to make myself acceptable before men.
Today, I ask you to consider your motivations for serving God. Is your service or using His name to further an earthly or heavenly agenda? Are you seeking to lift up or tear down? Are you seeking to win souls for the Kingdom or show your rightness? Are you sharing God’s light and love, or are you sharing bitterness and hate? If the position that you are taking is solely to win an argument, advance yourself, oppress someone else for your gain, or any other motivation other than letting God be glorified, I invite you to lay those motivations at the feet of Jesus. Step off the seeking self, power, wealth, nationalism, and “rightness” path, enter into His presence, and see that the greatest reward is in giving yourself to His purpose. In addition to examining your motivation, I equally challenge you to examine the role that you are currently playing in the body of Messiah? Have you allowed God to place and use you in the role He created for you or are you pursuing your own plan? Do you feel like you are swimming upstream or struggling to hear God in this role? Perhaps you are not pursuing the role that God has for you, as I was not. Give it to God today, allowing Him to place and use you in the role He created for you. Shine not in the light of your glory but in the light of His glorious presence.
Sometimes I feel you are writing this blog just for me. I needed to hear this. Thank you.